Always the bad guy…

Bad Mother

It’s official I’m a bad mum.

Lil G and Mr H picked me up from the train station yesterday evening, our usual routine. What was different was the response I received from Lil G. Nothing. Nothing but silence. He was refusing to speak to me. Covering his face with a birthday present he had just picked up from one of his little friends. But what had I done?

To say I was heart-broken is an under statement. I look forward to our little chat of an evening. You know the one, when you haven’t seen your little one all day and look forward to finding out just how their day has been? What he’s eaten. Where he has been. Has he slept (please say no). How was the hour at school meeting your new teacher? I got nothing.

So, I let it go and began talking to Mr H in the hope that as they do, he would snap out of it, come round and forget this little moment of not liking mummy. That didn’t happen. Instead he murmured a few words to Mr H. I’m not talking to the bad guy. My heart sank. I knew he was referring to me. In the mirror I could see my gorgeous boy pointing towards yours truly.

What had I done wrong? Devastated to hear those words; bad guy.

After some persuasion and Mr H leaving us to talk (whilst he picked up the Euros for our trip tomorrow, eek), apparently I am the bad guy because… I didn’t give him a kiss and a snuggle goodbye. Oh my goodness. He’s right, I didn’t. I am the bad guy. I felt terrible then and I still do now.

I’m a BAD mum.

To hear the words… you’re the bad guy because you didn’t give me a kiss and a snuggle mummy literally reduced me to a near on blubbering wreck. It’s been our routine for nearly 2-years. I feel terrible. I wanted to cry. I tried to be brave. But on hearing those words it was heart breaking. Oh the pain.

So, yesterday morning didn’t quite go as planned. Our routine 4-days a week has to run by military precision with little or no time for wiggle room. Lil G was having one of those mornings. You know the one. Less than agreeable. Moving at a snail’s pace. Not listening to Mr H or I. Refusing to brush his teeth. Refusing to have his hair brushed. When I asked him to pick out a toy to take to Nanny’s he literally dumped the whole playroom in our hallway. Crying. Moaning. Wailing as we left the house and all before 7.30am.

Did I feel guilty? Yes. Of course. Was he just tired from an early start, most probably. Were we rushing him? No but he may have needed more time. We were running late and I had to get us into the car. We were late and I had a train to catch. Did I have the spare 5 minutes to sit him down and talk to him, no. That is what he needed. That is the way we reason with our gorgeous boy. For mummy to explain. We needed to move at his pace.

I’m a bad mum.

And that is why I didn’t have time to give him a kiss and a snuggle. Lil G had a HUGE tantrum just at the minute we needed to leave the house. Which delayed us and took away those precious extra moments that allow for the wiggle room. As we pulled up to the train station my train was waiting on the platform. I had to run and sadly didn’t have the time as I was in fear of missing my train and being late to work. That is why.

 I feel terrible. Was he thinking about it all day? Is that why he wouldn’t speak to me when I called Nanny’s at lunch time. I think so. And so is the life of a full-time working parent, governed by military precision routines. Occasionally missing a moment of clarity. A moment of reasoning with your tired boy. Missing something which is so important.

I’m a bad mum.

I AM A BAD MUM.

The good news is … We made up. We played a game. We read a story and we talked. My boy is happy. Phew.

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And then this morning happened. And the guilt arrived. I found him sitting in the hallway, ahead of schedule, next to his bag which was packed with toys ready to go to Nanny’s. No pile of toys like the day before. And then he said… Look mummy, I’ve picked little toys today and they fit in my bag. His smile as he looked up at me made me melt. As if to say I’m sorry about yesterday. Oh the guilt.

We never did talk about yesterday morning. Clearly he understood. Clearly he knew why mummy was a little frantic. I feel guilty because our little boy has so much to think about at the minute that maybe he needed me not to be so rushed yesterday. He needed me to have more understanding.

I’m a bad mum. Parenting is tough. I feel sad.

KA x 

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31 thoughts on “Always the bad guy…

  1. Aw KA! You can’t beat yourself up about this as I’m sure everyone else has said, you are a great mum doing the very toughest job of balancing parenting with a full time career. I reckon it will teach Lil’G resilience and independence and help him grow into an individual who has a strong work ethic and understand the time/money balance (even if he doesn’t understand that just yet). Not to say that these days aren’t absolutely heart-breaking for you! Hugs Xx #thetruthabout

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  2. It’s so hard when they are like that and you spend the whole evening or day feeling really guilty. Then I go into bribery mode which i know is not the best. So hard juggling it all sometimes isn’t it? Xx he knows you’re the best really though x

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  3. Huge hugs. Been there. Most days now I leave the house with screaming, crying kids. The days I don’t to make it easier for all is when I sneak out. Either way I feel like a bad mum.
    I just remind myself why, it is hard but deep down we are doing it to be great mums.xxxx

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  4. Don’t feel sad lovely. We all have these days. There are mornings that I drop little miss vista off at her Grandma’s and literally dump her screech my goodbyes from the door as I leave.
    A cuddle and a game and they soon forget. They always know that mummy loves them.
    You provide and you love him – that is the perfect mum xxx

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  5. You are so not a bad parent, and I don’t even know you!! We all forget sometimes. I completely understand you felt guilty, but you’re definitely not bad. Kids are resilient and get over things fairly quickly, so try not to worry if this ever happens again. xo #brilliantblogposts

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  6. Ah I feel you pain – we all have moments like this and there will be many more. Ride the waves and enjoy the time you have together #brilliantblogposts

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  7. Oh my love, I know this feeling this week. Work has been so crazy and I’ve been so distracted at home. I’ve had to explain to O every night that I don’t have time for extra cuddles because I need to go back downstairs and work and he has been so sweet and understanding but it breaks my heart.
    A friend of mine out it into perspective, he won’t remember that you were maybe a bit grumpy and he’ll forget/understand yesterday morning. What he will remember is the amazing time you’re going to have at Disneyland, and that’s why we do it! Have a wonderful few days xxx

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  8. We are all guilty of doing this at least once. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. There must be something in the air because Cheeky Chap had One of Those Mornings on Monday. It was hellish. Actually he continued like it after school as well which resulted in him refusing to give me a cuddle and kiss at bed time. It’s so unlike him (both behaviour and refusing to say goodnight) and I gave myself a hard time too, wondering if I could have handled it all a little better (probably) but it’s all part and parcel of being a parent, sadly. x

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  9. Oh bless you! But let me tell you, we have all being here. So many times. Its hard sometimes, and it is sometimes the littlest things can pull on our heart strings and our children know that too. You made it up to him though and played games and had cuddles, you are definitely not a bad mum, sometimes life whisks us away and thats just life, but he knows you love him and that is the most important thing above anything, xx

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  10. Oh my goodness, stop being so hard on yourself! Of course your not a bad mum. Or if you are, we all are. You can’t be perfect, no one is. What you can do if reflect on what wasn’t great and make a plan on how to improve it. Which you did. Which makes you a great mum! Don’t let your self get into negative thought spirals, it wont help you or your son. You had a not great morning, that’s OK. There will be more and that’s OK too.
    Chin up, chuck. You’re rocking this parenting thing!

    #brilliantblogposts

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  11. We are all guilty of doing this. So many parents don’t stop to think about these things and just carry on as they were. The fact you can stop and see this reflects what a lovely Mummy you are. I really enjoyed reading this post and thanks for being so honest. It is good to know we all have these types of days xx

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  12. I completely understand this, I have these moments too. I think it’s all part of the parenting journey. I try to just out myself in their shoes when we’re having to stick to timing each morning, they have no concept of time but for us parents it can be tough. Balance is a hard thing even in the simplest thing such as slowing down, but ultimately it’s the best remedy all round in my experience xx

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  13. Aw my heart goes out to you both after reading this. I am certain nearly every mum (and dad) has forgotten to kiss their kids when caught up in the frantic pace of life. I know I have during the bedtime routine. You are certainly not a bad mum. You are a loving and caring mummy who gives him the very best. Its not easy being a parent sometimes. Wait until he gets to nearly 13 and you have to fight to kiss them. Hugs xx

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  14. That brought tears to my eyes, I am in the same position only with an 18mth old who can’t talk yet (but is trying). This morning I had to take him to the doctors and I think he thought I wasn’t going to work despite me saying (obviously he doesn’t understand yet) – he was then devastated when the nanny arrived and I said that I was after all. Absolutely broke my heart, and has on multiple occasions. I don’t know what the solution is but you’re not the only one and I do believe it’s good for kids to see parents working. To me, just from reading that – you sound like a great mum, but you have to go to work or they fire you right ;-). Hope you’re feeling a little better. I have just written one of my first blog posts about morning routine – I think you’ll enjoy it from reading yours.. if you have time, hope you can read it. Enjoy your precious evening with him xx

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